Somebody That I Used To Know..

Yup. I'm hesitant. Hesitant to write what I want to write.

I generally..normally..usually..don't vent on my blog. I mean, who really wants to read that mumbo-jumbo? Right?

But..I don't really know what else to do. Few people would understand this. And even those few would never fully understand it.


Here goes...

I had a friend. A good friend. A guy friend.

Our friendship started in a rather sad way but, nevertheless, we were friends.

Talked all the time. Blah..blah..blah..blah.

Well, towards the end of the summer, I did that thing. You know...:P

That thing where you let your friend-feelings turn into something more. Unfortunately, it happened at an insanely bad time.

(Any time was a bad time).

Long story short, I started acting like "a jealous-girlfriend", quit talking to the friend because I couldn't face him, and that was that.

An entire month went by before I talked to this friend on an even remotely normal (civil) level. Looking back, I could kick myself for being such a stubborn idiot. I mean, sure, I was jealous and had these..stupid feelings. But..really?

What a fool I was to let it wreck a good friendship...

I mean, even if (haha, when) this friend rejected me, I'd still be there for him. It wasn't one of those la-di-da "yeah, we're friends." kinda thing. It was that thing where..even if people were accusing him of something I knew he did, I still felt compelled to stick up for him. Every time.

Anyway, yeah. Good friendship. Probably the best I've ever had. No joke.

Which is why my wrecking it..was a big..

Ouch.

Now, months later, we're..friends...maybe? I guess? Some days? Every other week?

I've come to terms with the fact that I ruined that thing we had that I talked about ^up there^.

He always said that girls have a tendency to "romanticize" the past. And he's right. Sometimes, I think about how it was before, and that nostalgia feeling comes on, haha. Like, "oh yeah, we used to be tight."

Now, we're different people.

Little bit about me..

I can't stand when people cling for dear life onto the past. Usually, I'm that "people change. life changes. move on. grow up. cry a river, build a bridge, get over it." person. I don't believe all that "We'll all be best friends for life forever." stuff.

It's just not realistic.

Up until this particular friend, being that "people change. move along." person was easy. Scarily easily. Like, I've been talking about leaving my friends behind for college for as long as I can remember. Not that I don't love them. I just know that leaving and moving on is a part of life.

I guess my dilemma is..why can't I be ok with the fact that this guy-friend and I have changed? I just don't understand it.

 "Such knowledge is too high for me."

Of course, it doesn't really help when all your other friends are like, "How are you ok with this?". And I tell them all that I am. Repeatedly.

Being here, of all places, writing this, of all things..proves that I'm not ok with it.

I just want to know why.

I've really tried everything. Praying, talking to a friend, pretending to not care.

I know what any logical person reading this might think.

"You still like him."

No. I don't.

Maybe, I just don't like how he's changed (which is wrong). Or maybe, I've changed..badly?

Something is different. I can't put my finger on it.


That's really all I got. I don't know why I wrote all that. It will never happen again.

Praise the Lord that none of my Chapel-siblings read my blog.

And even if they do..by some miracle see this..

You know who I'm talking about. Help me out of this. Please.

<3 Bye.