whoa.

it's been forever and a day since i've blogged. it's not because i don't think it's a great way to talk things out, create memories, or share information. it's mostly that i come here and look back at older posts and almost..strongly dislike/hate..the things i was so interested in. after spending this past semester (my last semester of college at UNCW) student teaching in high school, i am almost embarrassed to think that i was anything even close to that. constantly worried about other people. what a terrible way to live.

if i had been worried about christ and his love for me as much as i was worried about a boy liking me, or who liked whoever else, i could look back and consider middle school and high school less of a waste. of course, i believe that God can use any and every experience that we bring to the table (or..more accurately for me..spill on the table), but it definitely stirs up my emotions and convicts my soul to think of what my testimony was looking like back then. even now, what do i really look like? who do i look like i belong to?

in a few short weeks (TWO exactly), i'll be closing the lid on this chapter of my life. my undergraduate years of college are over. just like that. it seems like just yesterday that Jenna and i were going to UNCW for orientation. it is crazy how quickly time has gone by, and it's crazy how much i have changed within that timeframe.

for awhile there, God gave me what had been the long-time desire of my heart -- a significant other, a relationship, a boyfriend. if i'm honest with myself, i know that i quickly put God on the back-burner. i poured my heart and soul into the relationship -- so much so that when Evan let me down, it was earth-shattering, heart-wrenching, tears-streaming awful. i relied on him to be everything i needed him to be and when he couldn't come through (like the human being he is #shameonhim) i would feel devastated or just confused. so, i'm thankful. thankful that God could not give me peace about that relationship. thankful that no matter how hard i kept trying and pushing for it to work, it could not  work. that is God being faithful. that is God showing up. that is God saying "wait, i've got something even better."

isn't it funny how we want to hold on to our second-rate things, money, friends, time, relationships when God's got the absolute best..even better than the best ready...waiting for us? i even get angry at God when i feel like he's trying to take my "stuff" away. i cry out to him for the relationship that i just can't make work. and he's just sitting there..waiting for me to hand it over and obey.

oh, to just give everything over and have his best. i can't even imagine -- at least..my flesh can't.

in this next stage of life, i want God to wreck me. i really do. i want this summer..graduate school..to be real. i want to be lost in the "reckless love" of God and not even find myself anywhere but at his feet. everything i need is there..